Be Still

About five years ago, I remember writing a blog post by this title. It was focused on how little Sunny's constant need to be held and snuggled was forcing me to just "be still" and what an interesting and important experience that was.  Apparently, though, I didn't learn much about being still because within a few months of her birth, I was back at my crazy-hectic pace of trying to start a home business making crocheted hats and other cutesie items while [thinking about] being a supportive wife to a hubby who worked 70+ hour weeks and a mama to two little girls. At the height of my craze, I was crocheting at least 21 hours per week, feeling the stress on my carpal tunnel area (which I know nothing about except how it feels when it is under duress!!), communicating with my husband either via snapping or random bursts of waterworks, feeling anxious and irritated with my girlies when they wouldn't/couldn't settle down for bed or naptimes when I needed them to so that I could pick up the ever-important crochet hook, attempting to bake every morsel of bread we ate by hand, and basically doing anything but being "still".  Yeah, still was about the only thing I wasn't. Depressed? Check. Anxious? Check. Irritable? Check. Sad? Lonely? Isolated? Check, check, and check.  Yep, unfortunately that lesson I thought I learned while holding little Sunny's tiny baby-body on my chest and catching any catnaps I could didn't last long. Once she started sleeping more than 45 minutes a shot, I took off like a shot, sure that it was of utmost importance to be something other than just these girls' mom and Mike's wife. And it felt really good to tell people that my creations were sold and such and such store in town, and it felt even better when such and such store called me to let me know I had a check waiting for items sold. Truly, if a person can run a home business and enjoy it, I will be the first to cheer for her (and probably buy her stuff!).  But this perceived success was bringing anything but joy into our household. As the year 2009 spiraled downhill in professional stress for Mike, extreme sleeplessness for me and little Sunny, episodes of depression thrown in for both of us, and a confusing adjustment time for Miss Mouse, my pursuit of something "more" for my life was adding to the pile of stress threatening to bury us. It doesn't seem that I learned much about being still and knowing that God is God.

Fast forward five years, and here I sit most nights with another tiny child who loves to be rocked and held and snuggled and touched. This little boy is, if anything, perhaps MORE snuggly than his big sister! There are nights when, if he's fussy, I lay him on the couch or bed and put my cheek on his cheek.....and he settles. Sweet, sweet, sweet. BUT, it means that most of his naps are either: 1. in his car seat on our newly-instituted morning walk/bike ride, which is incredibly awesome and heart-warming and like a breath of fresh air to me to be able to get out with all four kiddos and enjoy our neighborhood and weather! or 2. in his car seat while we grocery shop, which has resulted in me actually shoplifting a tube of toothpaste when he woke up and cried pitifully (we went back in and paid for it when Miss Mouse realized we had walked out with it - that's how distracted I was - my seven year old had to notice and remind me!!!) or 3. in my arms as I pace through the house and watch the bigger kids play in the yard....without being able to play with them like I could if I could lay Baby Boy down.  What is great, though, is that this time, I'm enjoying this! Whereas with Sunny, I contemplated the idea that she would really never sleep on her own without me holding her and got really stressed about it, with Manly I'm not worried that he'll still be napping in my arms when he's twenty. This time I am looking ahead to when I CAN lay him down in his crib and have some nap play time with the "big" kids while at the same time, I'm loving every minute of being pretty much the only person in the world who knows e.x.a.c.t.l.y how Manly Mouse likes being held. We're not doing much running this summer - physically or figuratively! We're quite "still", really, compared to how we usually squeeze in as many library program presentations as possible, spend time at the splash pad, head off to the park, or spend time at our parents' places (and we do miss all of these things!). This summer we're mostly doing lots of reading and playing in our own yard. And we're being still. And finding that it's wonderful in it's own way. Miss Mouse reads our evening devotion; she spends time in her bed in the morning reading a Bible she thinks she stole from our bedroom. Sunny and Miss Mouse slept together this week, and Sunny prayed her big sister to sleep. So, maybe, just maybe, these babies will learn about being still, breathing, exhaling sooner than their mama did. I'm so thankful for one more little baby to rock, one more time to be forced to slow down and just be.