Milestones

I've been trying to write this post for going on a month now. It's been written and then rewritten several times in my head.

For some reason, kindergarten starting was like a brick landing on my head this year. For the most part, the anniversaries of Hope's death are getting, well, not better, but they're getting to be fairly standard, I guess. That isn't meant to sound cold. I'm just getting used to the way I start feeling in April, how it builds until June 1st, peaks from the 1st to the 5th, and then starts to improve as much as it ever will as we get into summer. It's my normal.

These milestones, though, they throw me for a loop.

I don't know if Hope would have started kindergarten this fall. I'm sort of really into holding kids back until you absolutely have to throw them into the big pond and let them swim. But then again, that, as with many other decisions, would depend largely on the child herself. And so, as I tried to see if telling myself that she might not have started this year would help, I realized that it wasn't so much the starting as the fact that we would have had a decision to make. But we didn't. We have a lovely preschooler who is thoroughly enjoying learning about numbers this week (from me). We have a smaller little one who can say "one, teeeeewwww" and identifies pink and green. But we have no one of kindergarten age.

And for some reason, that fact brought me back closer to the feeling of having empty arms, an empty nursery, a quiet, baby-less house than I have been in several years.

What to do, then, what to do.....Kindergarten in the public schools started here on Wednesday, August 25. So, I informed my hubby that the girls and I would be taking a field trip of our own that day. He doesn't really completely understand the effect that milestones have on me. Not because he is cold-hearted and unfeeling, but because he grieved differently five years ago and still does now. I'm thankful he is patient and supportive of my way, as well.

But....I did start to question myself. A friend in Enderlin had shared with me, shortly after we lost Hope, that she has a hard time with milestones - graduations, weddings, etc. that her daughter would have experienced. I'm so thankful for her sharing because it reminds me that there's nothing wrong with how I feel things. But still....I started to question, if it doesn't impact him as hard, am I somehow wrong?

Enter the morning of the 25th. Dentist appointment before heading to Enderlin. At that point, I hadn't really decided whether we should go or not. Before leaving, I stopped at the front desk to make an appointment for Miss Mouse and happened to be talking to a friendly lady who introduced herself and said she attends our church. She admired my Mouse.

Then she got fairly serious and asked if we hadn't lost a baby. I said we had. With tears in her eyes, she told me that she and her husband had, as well, and that it would have been her daughter's 21st birthday in August. She said that those milestones have always been really hard for her.

It's perhaps needless to explain how we spent the rest of our day.....when the girls had finished admiring all the "pretty flowers and rocks", we left two crayons at the cemetery.

Out on a Limb....

I'm going out on a limb joining this photo challenge. I have a very nice point-and-shoot, but I don't (yet - it should arrive tomorrow!) have any type of dlsr....at least not any type I know how to use....my husband's film one is in storage under our bed.

So, I feel like I'm out on a very shaky, very creaky tree branch in posting this picture. I also found that I have much more of an aversion to photographing myself than I thought I did. It's fairly enjoyable for me to look at pictures that other people take of me - not that I think a whole lot turn out, but it's always fun to see if maybe there is one or two that are flattering. Taking one of myself, however, was much more difficult to do. But....

Here's hoping my tree branch doesn't break and send me flailing to the ground!!

Choices

We all have choices in life. Tonight, for example, I had some choices when I walked into the all-too-quiet-bathroom to check on Miss Mouse, who was supposed to be having her, um, "private bathroom time", and saw that she had plastered herself in Desitin. She had been diligent about the task, plastering fully her arms and legs.

I had choices at that moment.

I chose to turn right around, hide my grin, and call her Daddy to come clean her up. The last time she did this I was home alone. Sunny Baby Mouse is just too helpful in certain situations. We'll leave that at that.

So this time, Daddy got to clean up the girl while I chuckled in the living room.

I suppose I could have yelled at her. I could have given her a time-out. I could have shamed her. There was a time when I would have had to really fight myself not to do those things. But she knows the rules...It was past bedtime....She didn't have a nap today....She's been adjusting to Sunny Baby Mouse being a real-live-active person rather than a baby now which has been leading to some babyish behavior on the older Mouse's part. Excuses, I know, but also reasons for a three year old to be ridiculous.

I chose instead to let it go, although she did not see me laughing, will not hear me repeat the story, and, likely, will not do it again. It didn't really garner the attention she wanted.

As I reminded myself to chuckle instead of simmer, I thought about other choices. I contemplated finding the bottle of tequila we moved with us three and a half years ago. It was four years old at the time. Seven and a half year old tequila didn't seem like it was going to be much good with the frozen daiquiri mix that's sitting in my freezer. I thought about running around the block, waving my arms and shrieking or laughing. That choice just seemed like it would end up in an emergency room somewhere.

Rather, I decided to shred some zucchini that had been in the refrigerator far too long. Several pounds are now ready to be baked into bread tomorrow morning. Next on the agenda for the evening was getting the now-clean-Miss Mouse to bed. She chose a "trio" for her song tonight. She, Daddy, and I sang her choice of Children of the Heavenly Father. Final child-rearing task of the day: getting Sunny Baby Mouse to sleep. As a special treat, I allowed myself to doze with her breathing rhythmically, soundly asleep, on my lap.

I'll be up before morning, no doubt, to ease Sunny's teething pain yet again, but for today, all crises are ended or averted, the bathroom is clean, and the Desitin is going in the closet.

Splash Pad

The girls and I ventured into unknown territory last Monday. In desperation with temps in the 90s and relative humidity nearly the same, we drove around for twenty minutes to find the nearest "splash pad". I hadn't even ever heard of one until this summer; apparently I am far behind the times, but for those who are equally as far behind as I, the pictures will probably clear up any confusion as to what a splash pad entails.

Without a doubt, that was the best $6.55 I've spent in years. We stayed an hour and made memories that, at least for two of us, will likely last a lifetime.

The girls were both fairly timid at first, not sure what to really do with the splash pad area, but the cool water, though it stung our hot skin, felt good. Miss Mouse soon realized that there was a separate, massive kiddie pool, so we headed that direction to explore. We spent a good half hour in the kiddie pool, chasing leaves, playing Ring-Around-the-Rosies, Miss Mouse "practicing" floating on her back, hanging onto the sides and kicking legs, and just generally giggling and having a ball. The kiddie pool was quiet; we had it mostly to ourselves.

After 30 minutes in the kiddie pool, we decided to re-explore the splash pad area. This time, the girls had warmed up and were raring to go! We sprayed each other with water gun-type toys, ran through fountains, stood under pails to have water dumped on our heads, laughing and squealing the whole time. And when I use the words "we" and "our", I truly mean to include myself! The hot sun dried the drops of water on our skin nearly instantly, keeping us warm and allowing us to play and play. Instead of feeling oppressive, the heat combined with flying drops of cold water became comforting and balancing.

As I played with my little Mice, I could hardly wipe the grin off my face. I'm sure I looked ridiculous, but I had as much fun as they did. Every now and then we have an experience through which I'm made aware of how content I am with my "career choice". The world seems to constantly bombard us with what we should have, what we don't have, how happy those things would make us....how success is all wrapped up in how much money you make, how many hours you put in a week, how many and what types of awards you've gotten, where you've been published, and on and on and on. As the drops of water hit my head, so did the realization that right where I was - in a splash pad with my tiny girls on a Monday afternoon - was the epitome of success. Every now and then I need that reminder because from a very young age I pursued the success of achievement and public recognition; I've gotten awards and been published, but the career path I have chosen now offers little in the way of public recognition, sometimes leading me to start feeling insignificant, wasteful even.

And then I spend an hour at splash pad watching my two little loves squeal and run through equipment decorated in bright primary colors, blue sky above, and I get my reminder. That hour meant more than any public award could ever.

Sunny Mouse was most taken by the leaves that had blown into the pool, apparently in the storms from the previous night. Another note is that most pictures I have of her in the splash pad are of her back running away from me!

As Grandma Kathy called her last week at the "swimming lake", Sunny Mouse is our "fearless leader"....she led us into the swimming lake and led us to the kiddie pool yesterday, jumping in fearlessly (though she did it while constantly being forced to hold my hand).

This speaks for itself I believe.

Miss Mouse hasn't stopped talking about the splash pad. I am so glad we discovered it in time to go twice!

My little independent one. She'd really prefer to sunscreen herself.

*These pictures were all taken on our second visit to the splash pad on Thursday with Grammy. Silly Mommy had forgotten my camera the first day....but the ones I got Thursday hopefully illustrate what I saw on Monday, as well.

A Little Misunderstanding

Recently my Sunny Baby Mouse and her Daddy had a little misunderstanding. A little misunderstanding as to what "eh, eh, eh, eh" and pulling at one's diaper could possibly mean. Daddy thought perhaps she wanted a different toy. Sunny was trying to tell him something far, mm, different.

Then there was a bit more misunderstanding when Sunny Baby Mouse decided to take things into her own hands, literally, taking off her cloth diaper herself.

The misunderstandings continued when Sunny figured that if Daddy wasn't going to help clean her up, then she'd have to do that herself, too. But this time, she decided to conscript him....by handing him some of what she desperately wanted to be cleaned off the kitchen floor. She really is a clean little thing, following in her big sister's footsteps in the realm of orderliness and cleanliness.

The misunderstanding crested when Daddy wondered why Sunny Baby Mouse was giving him something warm from the floor.

We resolved the matter with a short family meeting, the results of which were that I would clean the floor while Mr. T cleaned the Sunny Baby Mouse.* Miss Mouse supervised from her safe (and clean) spot in her high chair.


*Sunny Baby Mouse is for the most part being contained by onesies these days as she does not yet know how to undo the onesie to rid herself of the dreaded diaper. She would much prefer to be potty trained and uses it several times a week, but while the cognitive connection is there, the muscles aren't quite reliable yet.

Dog Days

We've been trying to squeeze in all the warm-weather activities we can in these, the dog days of summer. I tend to not be a warm-weather person, but I keep reminding myself that I will be dreaming of the hot, humid weather we've been having when the January winds are blowing! In the years since Miss Mouse was born, I've become much better, too, at living in the moment, trying to absorb what's going on around me at the time rather than wishing for the days, weeks, months, or seasons to pass....these girls are growing much more quickly than I did, I think, although my mother may disagree. Anyway, in keeping with my attempt to live in the moment, here is a pictorial update on our dog days!

We went to a kiddie fair. We rode a horse drawn carriage; Miss Mouse rode the barrel train (all by herself this year!); Miss Mouse threw a softball at a target; Miss Mouse shot a kiddie bow and arrow at a target; Sunny Baby Mouse enjoyed the carriage ride and watched the rest of the activities rather patiently. But the piece de resistance (my poor sleep-deprived brain is not allowing me to think of what that should really look like or how it should be spelled) for Miss Mouse came with the face painting booth. She waited the entire time for this, and she had decided, after considerable deliberation, that she wanted a bird on her face in the worst way. Up she went to the face painter and said in no uncertain terms, "I want a blue bird on my face."

You'll notice the red paint crayon. The lady stared helplessly at me while sputtering about not knowing anything about drawing birds. Sweet Miss Mouse just looked disappointed but said "Well, I could have a heart then." My sweet little resilient one. It's not a traumatic disappointment, but when you're three and have envisioned your bird all day, it's a fairly substantial one!

She turned out to be quite proud of that heart.

Sunny Mouse wasn't exactly sure what was going on, whether she liked it, or whether she should perhaps scream, kick, or otherwise get away. With her encouraging Big Sister standing by her side cheering her on, she sat just long enough to get a blue heart.

So, it's not the most flattering of Miss Mouse, but it's the only one I got that showed the two hearts together.

At our kids' club summer session finale, we were treated to a train ride. They may look cool as cucumbers, but these were two very excited Mice. We even went through a tunnel (and talked about it for days).

This was from last Sunday. They were matching. Only one was even semi-interested in a photo session. And she seems to be unimpressed that Big Sister got to go to church without underwear while she was firmly planted in her diaper. She was clearly unimpressed with me at this point.

It's been hot; it's been humid. Last weekend we just couldn't take it anymore and turned the hose on ourselves. Neighbor Carroll said she couldn't pass up taking our picture all together. We are all literally soaking in this shot. Soaking.

There were crafts in the park yesterday. Miss Mouse had a blast. As we walked over to the play equipment, she commented, "Wasn't that just so nice of them to have crafts here?! Wasn't that just so fun??!!" I affirmed her thoughts, although for myself being greeted with "There are markers here. These are bracelets. You can make a crown. Don't do more than three crafts per child" wasn't exactly a thrilling summer celebration by the park board. To be fair, two full vans of kids from daycares had just passed through before us, so perhaps the park board girl was a little frazzled after dealing with twenty-some kids at one time. Miss Mouse adored her crown and was terribly impressed with her bracelet. She put many star-shaped beads on it and one bead with the letter "U". For anyone who knows us well, you'll know that nowhere in her name is there a "U"; she knows this, too, but she was very proud of that "U", regardless.

I made Sunny Mouse a crown. Again, you can see how impressed she is with me. Mr. T suggested, upon seeing this picture, that she may have been annoyed that I did not see the permanent crown that she wears on her head.....In all seriousness, she is an incredibly sweet little girl, too, and she did really love her crown. She loved it to death, in fact, and was sad today that hers was gone while Miss Mouse got to wear hers again.

Back up to the park today for a picnic with Grandma and Grandpa. This was a welcome treat on a day reminiscent of September in Mr. T's schedule....I have a lovely series of pictures where Grandma is pushing each girl on the baby swings, but I'm not sure the blog setup would quite do them justice. The girls each wanted Grandma to push them, so to satisfy both girls, Grandma de-shoed and ran from swing to swing back and forth.

For anyone interested in more wedding photos....patience, please! The ones that we have are currently all on my Mom's computer, but hopefully they will make the trip here via cd soon!

Not An Option!

If you've been following the Mice for awhile, you'll perhaps remember this post where Mr. T made shoes an optional accessory for church services. It was a mostly-endearing moment, and I only had to fight about shoes being mandatory after that once or twice.

Today, however, the ball was in my court, and the clothing item missing was not optional.

I'm not used to having help getting myself and the girls ready for church, but today Mr. T was off. Mostly our day was as usual because he had to run downstairs and get himself ready, of course. So, I got Baby Sunny dressed; then Miss Mouse picked a dress; we re-dressed Baby Sunny in the matching dress; I showered, packed up snacks, packed up one girl's drink; we left the house at 9:19 heading for a 9:30 church service downtown. Gulp. But really I was impressed with us. Mr. T looked great; the girls were in adorable matching daisy sundresses; I had showered and done my makeup. Not my hair; that was still wet, but my makeup had to count for something. We were under control.

Since we walked in just about perfectly at 9:30, we had to sit in the front row. This was not a problem; the girls regularly pick the front row as their preference. We were still under control.

Snag #1: Remember I said I had packed a drink for one girl? Yeah, well that girl wasn't thirsty, but the other one was. No problem. Creative thinking. I unscrewed the top of Baby Sunny's water so that Miss Mouse could get a drink and yet we could remain the relatively germ-conscious family that we are. Still in control. Yay for responsible, creative Mommy.

Snag #2: We had not warned Miss Mouse that we would not be attending the same service in the same room as we usually do on Mr. T's day off. Yes, I realize this would not be a problem for most kids, but ours likes to be warned when something is going to be different from the "norm". I could tell from the get-go that she was confused....my little ticking time bomb. Should we go out and explain that we're trying a different service? Should we keep on as is? I chose the latter. Oops. But I sure thought we were still all under control.

Snag #3: I was so prudently busy getting all our bags under chairs and on top of chairs for Communion that I failed to hear that it was intinction. Popped that little styrofoam-y wafer in my mouth before it had a chance at the wine. Stood and stared at the wine. Thankfully the nice couple just shoved another wafer at me quickly. All the while I was carrying Miss Mouse. Keep this in mind for later. Still, I naively felt that we were poised and controlled beautifully. A hitchless Sunday together as an entire family of four in church.

Final Snag: I can deal with shoes being an optional accessory for Communion.....However, as I looked down, during the final blessing at my Miss Mouse who was sitting, rather sulkily by this point, on her chair......I realized there was one too few pair of underwear being worn by this family of four. And there is just no way I can theologically make underwear an optional garment for a public church service. I suppose I can blame Eve for that fact initially, but at the end of the day, I was the one getting the girls ready, or, um, er, not quite getting them ready.

I'm not sure how many people we mooned when we went through for Communion. I'm really hoping that the fluffy dress covered anything potentially embarrassing. We had a bit of a meltdown after church, but at least she was able to tell me that she had been confused and upset at not knowing we were going to "that dif-ent service". That I can handle and deal with better in the future. Missing underwear I hope to not ever have to deal with again!