Rollercoaster Week

It's been a rollercoaster of a week here. It seems like a long time ago, but just one week ago we were celebrating Mothers' Day. Mr. T. took me out for frozen yogurt on Saturday night since he and a friend were leaving immediately after church on Mothers' Day to make it to another friend's wedding in Wisconsin. It was a beautiful day with the girls. The kids at church sang a song with "Happy Mothers' Day" in it. Miss Mouse picked up the chorus and sang it around the house all day. Pretty special. In the afternoon we went out to eat with a friend, her daughter (they happened to be the significant others of the friend Mr. T. went to the wedding with, so they were having a 'girls day', too), and my mother-in-law. It was a good time. Miss Mouse ended the meal with food from ear to ear. Baby Mouse slept right through. Then the girls and I and Grandma headed out to the lake. It was a treat to be there overnight. We made it back right before a rain storm hit on Monday afternoon. Mr. T. was already back from the wedding, so we had a nice evening together.

Mothers' Day is a tough day, as well. One of many, I guess. It's such a blessing to get to celebrate with my two girls now....but the memories of my first Mothers' Day are still close. The WELCA at church presented us with a check for the gift of our choice; they wanted to hold off on the shower until after the baby was born because we hadn't found out whether we were having a boy or girl. They wanted to recognize Mothers' Day for us, though. We went out to eat after church to a pizza buffet, and I was offered a sundae - they were free for mommies that day. I declined. I was watching my figure after all....watching it get bigger, that is. Anyway, the excitement, expectation, joy, and optimism of that day were shattered not a month later. The women who were so excited to throw a baby shower and help babysit ended up throwing a funeral instead. It left us feeling loved and supported, but it certainly wasn't the way anyone expected to support us on Mothers' Day 2005. I suppose those memories just make the current Mothers' Days even more precious. These days are like a dream that I don't ever want to end. I've lived somewhat of a nightmare, and this, with a wonderful husband and two beautiful, healthy little girls, this is a dream. Sometimes I have to take a deep breath, sort of like sucking in mountain air, to try to take it all in.

So, that emotional rollercoaster started the week off. Tuesday the girls and I went to a going-away party. It was held in one of my former classrooms. Again, there were a lot of ghosts and memories there from a time before Hope. A more naive time, I guess. I'm glad we went. Another alumnus of my graduate program recognized me and talked to me about her daughter and son-in-law who had lost a baby girl last year. Can't say I ever wanted to be recognized as the woman who lost a child, too, but it's healing for me to be able to talk with other people....I'm not sure I ever say anything helpful, but sometimes I think it's more just giving them a chance to talk to someone who they know understands what they're saying.

By Friday, we were happy to wake up to a warm, sunny day. I had a hair appointment (long overdue) for myself and Miss Mouse. It's a 50 mile drive or so for our hair appointments. By the time we got there, it was pouring rain and freezing cold! Terrible Mommy hadn't even brought Baby Mouse a blanket!! Miss Mouse had her first professional hair cut, getting her bangs trimmed. She did great and sat like a perfect little lady. All the way down she said "ask her. trim my bangs. ask her" because I had told her we'd have to ask and see if there was time (I hadn't mentioned Miss Mouse when I made my appointment). She was so excited that Jill had time to trim her hair.

Since we were so close, I had to make a stop at the cemetery. I don't go regularly. This time of year, though, I feel a strong pull there. We'll go again on June 2nd. Again this year someone beat me to putting flowers out. She has a beautiful little bouquet of bright pink ones. It was pouring still, so I just jumped out and left the Mice in the car. Baby Mouse was still sleeping, but Miss Mouse had questions this year....

Miss Mouse: "What doin', Mama?"
Me: "I want to visit Baby Hope's grave."
Miss Mouse: "Oh. I visit, too."
Me: "No, honey, it's raining. You can visit next time if it isn't raining."
Miss Mouse: "Oh. I visit next time! I visit Baby Hope!"

A little while later when Miss Mouse notices I'm crying (the flowers get me every year....it's just awe-some).
Miss Mouse: "Mama crying. Why Mama crying?"
Me: "Mama's crying because I miss Baby Hope. I wish she lived here with us."
Miss Mouse: "Oh. I love Baby Hope. Baby Hope loves you." (sidenote: She calls herself "you").
Me: "Yes, I'm sure she would have loved you."
Miss Mouse: "Baby Hope loves you. Baby Hope loves you. Baby Hope loves you."

On the way out of town:
Miss Mouse: "Baby Hope lives here."
Me: "No, Baby Hope lives in Heaven."
Miss Mouse: "Oh. Yeah, Heaven. Baby Hope loves you."
Me: "Yep, yep, yep. Baby Hope would have really loved you."

At home, she decided she wanted to look at pictures. She found Hope's book and sat down with her Daddy to look. She pointed out Baby Hope in all the pictures as well as who was holding her.
We were both pretty quiet when she saw the last picture and said "Baby Hope covered blankets. Baby Hope trying stay warm." Yep. What else do you say at this point.

Ugh. Things I never imagined having to explain to a 2-year-old.

When we got home, I began my routine of parking the car, unlocking the door myself, going back for Baby Mouse and her carseat, and then bringing in Miss Mouse. I stopped at unlocking the door because I smelled burning in the house. Aaahh! I sniffed around and felt the basement door and ascertained there was not a flame fire anywhere. I was still worried about something electrical, so I grabbed the phone and called Mr. T. Then I ran the girls over to the neighbors. Poor Baby Mouse hadn't eaten in four hours, and the neighbors had carpet layers at their place. They pulled the girls in the door right away anyway, and I met Mr. T. at the door. We figured out it was likely the blower fan burning out. Thankfully we were able to get it fixed before five on a Friday night. Quite the bill, but at least we have a fan.

I was heading back to our house from the neighbors just as our guests for the afternoon were walking up the driveway. Close friends of ours from Enderlin were in for the day and wanted to stop by to meet the newest Mouse. The rollercoaster continued as I saw one of the men carrying a faith chest up the driveway. He began making faith chests for every child baptized in that church a few years before we left. I was sad that Baby Mouse wouldn't have one like her older sister.....now she has one. So special....of course, I cried. What a puddle I am!

Oh, to top off the adventure on Friday, Miss Mouse had her doll, Mickey, going tinkle in the morning while I was feeding Baby Mouse. Normally this is fine. That day she decided Mickey had to wipe. And wipe. And wipe. And wipe. I was yelling "pretend!", but before I got there, she had the whole roll in the toilet. She solemnly says she will not ever do it again. I had no time to dig it out before we had to leave for our hair appointments, so, with the chaos of arriving home to a burned out fan and the fact that the basement bathroom wasn't put together yet from the flood (it is now!), we had no useable toilets in our house when our guests arrived. Good thing they are close friends!

What a week. What a rollercoaster. What a ride!