Happy (?) Birthday, Sunny

 

 

We have a little three year old who is very sad this week.  It's been a tough, rough week for us all. Lots of whining, screaming, tears, tantrums, shouting.....She's nervous.

 

Now, I have friends who have children who are nervous about truly serious issues. It makes it seem strange to type out how stressed-out Sunny is, considering her stress is coming from - ta-da - her birthday.

 

What a ridiculous thing to be sad about, no?! Nonetheless, she is sad and nervous, and even though it is silly to the rest of the inhabitants of our dwelling, it is not silly to her. She can't distinguish the difference between anxiety from life-and-death experiences from the anxiety of the unknown of being another year older. So, we're cuddling a lot, spending some time in a time-out chair, cuddling even more, and facing some unfortunate natural consequences (until I fix them, which I will be doing - I'm not going to leave the dog's valentine behind the stack of toys and boxes in the closet forever....seriously, it's his - the dog's - birthday on Valentine's Day - but I'll leave it where it was thrown for awhile).

 

I've tried lots of "now that you're bigger, you get to XYZ", but none of it has worked yet. Today while I was getting Mighty Mouse down for a nap, I prayed for some inspiration to help this sweet little girl transition to being "even older", and it came to my mind to show her why I, in particular, love that she is getting older.

 

I went downstairs and dusted off a plastic tote that is always in close reach but that hasn't been opened in awhile now. A plastic tote that I thought would never be put in a storage closet. Ouch. Mike had suggested that one time and then never again. But I moved it in there myself when we got here. Within reach it remains, but it no longer owns its own room.

 

In a few seconds I found what I was looking for - a baby book for a baby who we will never see grow up and get older. In the weeks after Hope's death I wrote in a baby book for her, but, though I've gone through many of our things from that time, over and over again through the years, I've never gone back and looked at what I wrote in there. Today, though, I decided Sunny and I would go through it together because maybe that would help her understand how happy her mommy is that I get to share her life of more and more trips around the sun with her.

 

She hopped up on my lap and snuggled in, and we started through the book. We looked at the pages that talked about how we had announced our pregnancy to our friends, looked at pages of information about mommy and daddy and how we met, looked at pages about grandmas and grandpas - all the while I remembered how important it was for me to write those pages as "the mommy" and to write about "the daddy" and "the grandparents" even though we were parents and grandparents with empty, silent arms.  Sunny was interested and seemed to be enjoying herself, perhaps mainly because she was getting more snuggle time.

 

Then we came across a page that was dedicated to our "first peek" at our baby.

 

And all of a sudden, my voice caught, and I couldn't breathe for a few seconds.

 

 

If you can't read the date above, it says "February 7, 2005". The date of the only ultrasound we had of Hope.

 

 Two years to the day before we met Miss Mouse was the only time we ever saw her sister alive.

 

It's hard to explain how I felt about this, but I know for certain that I am sorry to have missed or overlooked the overlap in those dates until now. I wish I had realized. I am glad we do now.

 

With renewed energy and perspective, I cuddled Sunny and assured her that being four will be a great thing and that I am thankful for each day I get to be with her and learn more about her and help her and love her. What an incredible privilege it is to have this "little and big sister" who so loves her brother beyond belief, idealizes her older sister, wants to be a helpful big girl, yet longs to be the little girl in my arms forever; she tells me "I will never leave your house, Mom!", and for now, those are beautiful words because it is her way of telling me how much she loves us. To think that we have, also, our sweet Miss Mouse and now little Mighty Mouse? I know it is true; I know they will pounce on me (the girls) and cry (Mighty) far too early for my body tomorrow morning; I have a feeling Sunny will continue at least sporadic whining and screaming the rest of the week; but it still sometimes feels like a dream that we get to be their parents. A dream come true.